Faith

If you have no faith, how can God help you?

I’m losing it again…

Almost the End

It’s getting close to the end of school–the end of high school.

I can’t believe how much has happened this year. I can’t believe he and I became such close friends now, and that we’ll still see each other in college. How awesome is that? =P

How did life suddenly turn right side up? This year has been so eventful and so memorable. I thank God for all of it.

Falling

I don’t know what’s going on. It seems as if I’ve become a person who’s not likable. People seem annoyed of me. People yell at me for whatever reason. Why am I being treated this way?

Okay, so I act like I’m smarter than others in Physics class sometimes, but I still listen to others. I still try to explain things patiently. This morning I was yelled at by a friend just because I have my own method of approaching a problem — one that she thinks takes longer when I, who have taken more science and math and am so used to doing these things, think it takes like a fraction of a second longer. She literally was yelling at me and wouldn’t listen when I try to explain that people have their own ways of approaching problems and whatever they understand is best for them.

And then there’s this other friend that I’ve been having issues with for a month now, I think. She claimed herself as my best friend and bosses me around on a daily basis. A few days ago I didn’t go have lunch with her and later she yelled at me because she was “all alone” because some other friends didn’t show up either. The next day I saw with her and she didn’t even talk to me because she was only talking to another friend. It makes me feel like she just thinks of me as her property, something to talk at — not someone to talk to. All she does is talk and boss me around as if she knows more.

Seriously, both of these people like to express their anger on me so freely for some reason. Both of them love to give me the “wtf is wrong with you” attitude. It makes me think like it’s my fault that people are acting to me this way, but I’d like to convince myself that it’s not.

And I thought it’d be okay as long as my special person is there, but I think I complain to him too much. I have too many bad day stories because of the people above plus more. I wish I could be happy when I’m around him, but the truth is, I can’t seem to hide what I am from him. I can always be myself with him; I never have to fake a smile or pretend I’m not sad. I don’t want him to be sick of my depressed self though, because honestly, no one really likes a depressed person. I wish I could smile a lot and be happy-go-lucky as I was a few months ago. I honestly don’t want to lose him because, no matter how I try to look at it, he is the one reason my life suddenly flipped right side up.

Change

Today was a happy day. I’m so thankful. Thankful to God for helping me keep my optimism and cheerfulness up all day. I think each day has something good to offer if we just notice it. Life is like that. Changes are not easy, but something good will come out of it if we try hard enough to see. I love life. I love God. I love myself. I love people.

There’ll be sad times again, I’m sure, but happiness will come back because it’s meant to.

Optimism

I need to be optimistic.

I need to be optimistic because there’s nothing else worth being.

I need to be optimistic because I feel like an awesome person when I’m happy-go-lucky and positive.

I need to be optimistic because smiling gives me courage, which makes me smile more and have more courage.

I need to be optimistic because that’s what stands out about me.

I need to be optimistic because life is indeed a beautiful thing.

I need to be optimistic because God wouldn’t bring me this far if it wasn’t meant to be meaningful.

I need to be optimistic because I am a strong person.

I need to be optimistic because his optimism inspired me to change into a person I love.

I need to be optimistic because I love him.

I need to be optimistic because I’m okay without him.

I need to be optimistic because I know I’m awesome, and if he doesn’t like me then he’s missing out.

I need to be optimistic because I love myself more than I love him.

I need to be optimistic because I want to see myself shine.

Is love worth it?

This week I’ve been happy to the point that I could run around the world.

And I’ve also been so down that, plus the fact that I’m sick, I feel like just disappearing into nothingness.

Sometimes I wonder if love is worth it. Does the joy outweigh the sorrow?

I think it will be hard from now on. I would have to get used to not seeing him much every day. I would have to get used to having classes I don’t like with less close friends that I’d like. I guess I’d have to get used to not complaining so much about it and be my happy self too. I don’t even know if I’m really looking forward to graduation, but right now anything to get me away from this cruel schedule would do.

I’ve realized this long ago, but at one point he’s not just a regular school crush to me anymore. When I’m with him, I can tell him almost everything — except certain things, including my feelings for him — and he’d listen. He’d try to make me feel better. Honestly, he’s one of the sweetest person ever. In one way, he has become a special friend to me. When my other friends make me feel unworthy, he makes me feel like, like I don’t even have to try hard, like I can just be myself. I need to pay back the favor sometimes though. I think I complain too much, talk about myself too much.

It’s just hard. Not seeing him much is hard. We meet in hallways and school doorways only by coincidence, and we get so little chances to actually talk (much less than I’d like). Sucks how neither one of us could drive too.

Anyway, I really need to cheer up. After all, I think we’ll end up going to the same college.

Void

Today I feel that void again. I had no reason to stay after school but I didn’t want to go home. And there was no one to talk to until some people I knew walked by later. I wasn’t sad, but I wasn’t happy either. It’s just void. Emptiness. Like I just want to disappear off reality because there’s just nothing I feel like I am. I wish I could do more with my life. I wish I had more people in my life. I wish I could decide for sure where I want to go to college. Luckily, getting accepted isn’t the problem anymore because I already got in both places I’m considering.  That’s a huge relief, considering college is all most people think about throughout their high school life.

Sometimes I wonder why life throws you happiness just to take it away again.

Almost spring

Today the weather was beautiful. I decided it’d be a good idea to walk home. It’s been a long time since the temperature is warm enough to take a stroll outside for a long time. Spring is almost here, and it’s not very assuring.

I met my love just when winter was approaching. The chill in the air and the snow on the ground represent this happiness in me. It’s like being in a snow globe. I know that we probably will part soon, but as long as it’s still winter we will still be together, so I don’t want the snow on the ground to melt away. I don’t want the flowers to bloom. I don’t want the grass to turn fresh and green. As beautiful as spring is, this spring will represent graduation. I don’t want to move on in life yet. I want to stay where we are, because I love the place where I’m at. I love it so much. It took me a long time to learn how to love it, but now I don’t want to separate from it anymore.

I want every day to be precious.

Have you ever been in love?

When I think about what happened in my life before this year, it all seems like a joke. I’m talking about crushes and the feeling of falling for someone, of course. Right now, I feel like I’m just so in love, and it’s unlike anything in the past.

In the past, there were so little interactions and good qualities in the guys that I wonder what I saw in them. Maybe I was just really naive. I was scared to talk to them directly. I lacked confidence in myself. I couldn’t show how I felt.

But now it’s so different. At first it started out like the others, us being classmates. I didn’t even think I could ever catch attention, but there was just something about him that gave me this amazing confidence that inspired me to break out of my shell and love who I am. It’s probably his character; he’s pretty much a talented genius, but he acts so relaxed and silly –the everybody’s friend type. He inspired me to be genuine. My life just seemed to shine brighter than anything else in the universe. Even though I felt like I had no chance, it was still fun to admire him from afar. He has the greatest smile I’ve ever seen. I felt it even more when he smiled at me like he doesn’t smile to anyone else, at least as far as I’ve seen. Yes, it became different from all other times when we finally started talking. I realized that he’s just the most perfect guy in the world. He’s like the male version of me, my other half. I wonder if he notices that. Even if he kind of knows how I feel and probably doesn’t feel the same, he’s so sweet to me. Sometimes I feel so loved by him even if we’re not in a relationship. I want to spend more time with him. I don’t want this to be the end of us, but the beginning. I really feel like there will be no one else that will be so genuine to me and that I can be so genuine to. I don’t want to use this word so easily, but I love him.

God, please don’t be so cruel. Don’t take him away from my life just yet. I’ve found the greatest happiness in such a long time, and I don’t want to lose him just yet. Please give me more time.

Where have all the happiness gone?

I remember the time when I was depressed almost all the time.

I remember the time when I was happy almost all the time.

Right now I just don’t feel anything. I feel more depressed, actually.